Nam

Al and I had nothing in common. He grew up in Omaha. His dad was a postman and decorated World War II veteran. His mom stayed home to raise three kids. Al was the oldest, and made his family proud when he signed up for Nam.

My father was a gynecologist and my mother a psychotherapist in New Haven, Connecticut. They didn’t have time for more kids than me. Pissed the hell out of them when I signed up for Nam.

Al and I stood next to each other – looking down to the train tracks, about to start our Nam version of Truth or Dare. Each would jump if the other did.

“I shot a mother fuckin’ teenager cause I thought he had a gun. He was just goin’ out to harvest some rice. I was pretty fucked up - on uppers. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing,” said Al.

I stood next to him, knowing that my life might be about to end. I looked around the station with nothing but contempt for the masses going to their half-assed jobs and living so called lives. They knew shit about life. Their sanitized suburban Connecticut lives might be about to go Technicolor in red.

“It was me that shot Sgt. Kinsley in the back that time.”  I’d been holding that one back and knew that Al would be surprised.

“I always suspected that. You son of a bitch,” he said without looking up.

I was surprised by his half laugh, but also by the admiration in his voice. I knew then, that he had wished he had the guts to do it himself.

This was the fourth April 14 that we met at the train station in Greenwich, Connecticut.  We chose that date because it was the anniversary of our enlistments in 1972. We always felt strangely connected because of that commonality.

Nam had been hell and hell followed us home. I looked around and pondered. All these robots think they have lives. They don’t have a clue. Maybe I'll wake them up. I’ll bet none of these pussies signed up. Look at them – suits, briefcases, and rain jackets. The rain jackets really get me. I think all two hundred of them went to the same store. Don’t get wet guys, you might melt, or get blasted by a Cong.

Al and I had been in the same therapy group for two years now. Danny Morgan and Stanley Evans gave it up about a year ago. If I dig deep inside, I have to say I admire them. I wasn't sure that I had the guts to do it, but maybe Al would force my hand. Or maybe I’d force his.

“I shot some other fuckin’ kid just for the hell of it. I was pretty messed up,” said Al. 

We stood transfixed as a commuter train stopped, loaded up, and took off again. The next train didn’t stop in Greenwich. It just raced through. Our time was near.

Becky was a great therapist and we all respected her for going to Nam. But working in the hospital wasn’t the same as being on the front lines. Our group of twelve was down to eight.  Two moved away and the two I mentioned had the guts to do what they had to. 

Four of us had gotten high on weed one night and made a pact –Truth or Dare – Nam version. We had been the stars of evening reconnaissance, in teams of two. We would keep those same teams. I’d always been amazed at Al’s sixth sense. Even though we were messed up, he always seemed to be able to smell the Cong. 

We were all classified as “high risk” when we got back from Nam and got in trouble with the law pretty fast. What Becky didn’t seem to get, was that life wasn’t worth it. We were all living in Nam, even though our bodies were here. The brave ones realized that, and had the guts to act.

“It was me that stole Danny’s bag of grass that time,” I said.

Al laughed again, staring down to the tracks. We watched a rat scurry under the far platform. The late afternoon sun was bright, and somehow had the effect of making the indoor seating area across the tracks look like part of the toy train station I used to play with as a kid.  My mind started to wander back to my childhood. I thought about how my parents were grooming me to be a doctor. I thought about my dad’s life. All the times he cheated on mom….

Al took a deep breath. I glanced over at him. He was lost somewhere, reminded me of the times we were on night duty and his otherworldly focus. I was prepared to act. I would never break our pact. If he jumped, I would follow. I looked down the track and saw a train about a mile away. I knew that this might be my last moment on earth. I thought back to Sally Nordquist in junior high, and how much I lusted for her. I thought about how I let my parents talk me out of seeing her, because her parents were divorced and had left the church. I thought back to my curtailed high school baseball career. Instead, I had to take fuckin' Latin classes after school to up my chances of getting into a prestigious college. I didn’t have the guts to stand up for myself.

“I beat up Danny all the time when I first got back,” said Al. “He didn’t do anything.  I was just pissed at the world, and took it out on the kid.”

I sensed that might be the one to make him jump, knowing his history with Danny. I was prepared to follow. The train was about a half mile away now.

I remembered how proud I was to enlist. This is the first real thing I ever did, I thought.  College had been a disaster. I hated the other students. They all seemed to be puppets, with parents pulling the strings. I don’t think even one of them really wanted to be a doctor. It’s funny looking back, that I sent my parents a letter instead of telling them in person that I enlisted. I still remember the angry phone call from dad…

The train was about a quarter mile away now. Al was wobbling toward the tracks. A group of seagulls landed across from us and walked along the empty platform. I didn’t even think about how odd it was to have seagulls there.

The train whistle was blowing now. The sun went behind a cloud. The smell of the train came to me with a gust of wind. It reminded me of the time we were shipping out from Fort Bragg, riding the train, the first step towards landing in Nam. The sound got louder. I thought about the time I stole Jimmy Hadley’s baseball bat, and how badly I felt after I threw it away.  The train was getting close. The sun broke out from the clouds. Al let out a yell. I felt like I was travelling in another dimension. Colors blended into a blur of motion and light. I could hear the seagulls squawking…